Oh well, I was surprised to found out that I had a blog! good news...

I've not been here with you, but have been always with me. I've been thinking about what really means to me this thing called Integral Life — this thing that I'm aiming for, this balance. What is missing? what are my weakest lines? what really do I need to work on? Lately, I've identified that my inter-social network is pretty weak — I've not been relating with people that much. Do I have friends? yes I do. Do people tend to like being with me? Apparently yes. They seem to be happy when I show up. So, what is the problem? — I think that I just know part of it. Well, my work is a sort of solitaire work and that is a lot. Most of people don't really tell me that much — even if I find myself learning with all sorts of people and engaging with them. I tend to look for a more deep and intimate relations — to share feelings, emotions thoughts, tears and laughs. To share life. Most of people are afraid of sharing their feelings and weaknesses, they tend to stay in that dream even more than I do! The problem is even bigger with men. How unhealthy is men companionship this days. We've lost the game and we still pretend that we did not. Men like to talk about sex, me too. But I know very few men with whom is possible to talk about sex without the macho syndrome. Or this is all just me? — I'm lucky that I have someone on my side where things just go with flow — wonderful! — today we bought a skateboard, and went skating — again, after more than 15 years. Life is good!

Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb? Mother, do you think they'll like this song? Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls? Mother, should I build the wall? Mother, should I run for President? Mother, should I trust the government? Mother, will they put me in the firing line? Is it just a waste of time? Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry Momma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true Momma's gonna put all of her fears into you Momma's gonna keep you right here under her wing She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing Momma's will keep Baby cozy and warm Oooo Babe Oooo Babe Ooo Babe, of course Momma's gonna help build the wall Mother, do you think she's good enough For me? Mother, do you think she's dangerous To me? Mother will she tear your little boy apart? Mother, will she break my heart? Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry Momma's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you Momma won't let anyone dirty get through Momma's gonna wait up until you get in Momma will always find out where you've been Momma's gonna keep Baby healthy and clean Oooo Babe Oooo Babe Ooo Babe, you'll always be Baby to me Mother, did it need to be so high?

Reading Vision and Transformation, by Sangharakshita had a great impact in my life, particularly while reading it for the second time. However, no matter how important those teachings were to me, I tend to forget them and move way from the transformation as I move away from the vision. A couple of months ago while going through one those hard times I was wondering in the city, walking around, and I had a vision. It was me, again in front of a wall, a big wall — I had experienced this once — but this time, the wall was bigger than ever. Until than I found myself always able to go around the wall and to move 'in front', this time, what I saw, was really big, and I deeply felt there there was no way of going around it and the only way was to transcend it. This wall was me. Everything I've done, thought, complained, judged, missed. Everything I wanted to be and was not, everything I didn't want to be, but I am. Every failure that I've tried to blame others for. All my guilt and frustration. I was scared. For the first time was 'seeing' that this thing called me is nothing but an accumulation of projections, hopes and misunderstanding. I was able to experience in one second (or one hour, I'm not sure) my all life, as a movie, how one beliefs were made one after the other and how my patterns were built and how this was connected with my relation with my mother and how I was over and over repeating the same patterns with my partners —Bum! it was a bomb! — The funny thing, is that, quite naturally, this big storm — actually feeling that I was not as good as I thought — came together with something else: if I was able to built all this shit! I'm also the only one is able to transform it. And, a deep felling of contentment arise, for the simple fact that I was able to look deeper into myself, and that again, I had a reason to change. I've changed quite a lot since than, but keep getting back to my old patterns, here and than. I've not doubt that vision leads to transformation, but also, that is very easy to loose vision. See you soon. —m

I'm about going to sleep but I got inspired by another zaadzer and I've decided to keep my goal of posting something everyday in this blog. Just because. Today was another working day. I was calm and productive. A friend visited me and helped me moving some stuff. It was a sunny sunday and Lisbon was calm and quite. I like that way. See you soon.

The Magus of Java, Teachings of an Authentic Taoist Immortal, by Kosta Danaos, (2000 Inner Traditions, Vermont) is a very interesting book. I'm not sure about the true nature off all the facts mentioned in the book, but either way it's impressive and amazing.

I'd just read Michael Gurian's Mothers, sons & lovers. It is a great book. However I find his practical advices hard to follow as they are set in an italic font that is hard to read — as a type designer, I'm pretty sensitive to this matter, when it's hard to read, I really notice it, and I know why it is hard to read, so, I can't read. Nevertheless, this book told me what I already knew but refused to believe. Sometimes it was hard to read and feel how things were really different than what I was pretending. It really made me questioning my relation with my mother. Whom I like a lot. When you think that you have a good mother, when she's really does her best and kind of acts like the really nice good mother that just 'wants the best' for his 'little' boy and is always willing to give up her stuff for you! — problems arise. Believe me. And you may risk to become dependent on that. I did. And now something completely different, You may have heard about The Friends of the Western Buddhist Order, if not (or yes!) visist their website here I've learned a lot with some members of the Order and I really appreciate what they are doing. I was lucky to design two issues of the Dharma Life Magazine with my friend and teacher Sagarapriya.

It's an honor to be here with you. I haven't yet had the time to enjoy and fully embrace this great project. I like to think and I like to share what I think. My english may be weak, but I'll try my best. I'm in one of those moments where life softly shows you that everything changes. Closing up a company and an office. It is a lot of work but I'm fully enjoying it. After running a graphic company for more than ten years I had finally reach what I wanted already for a while, to be alone again. But more than that, I'd finally quit doing graphic work for clients. As a graphic designer I've always designed typefaces, digital fonts. Now I work full time on type design. I work at home, my new office. I'm one of those lucky guys who does what he likes! I really do. But besides all that, which sounds pretty nice, I do have those moments, those things! you know what I'm talking about. That's why I'm here. About changing the world? yes, we will do it. I've not seen any other blogs at Zaadz — except one. So, I really don't know for what people uses it for. Personally I feel like sharing my experiences, past and present. And no, I don't like christmas neither. Although, I enjoy it. Love and peace for all beings.